Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

现在的小孩儿真逆天了，今天白天我老公骗我闺女说她是我吃西瓜籽儿生出来的，结果你猜怎么着，我午睡呢，感觉有个人在杵我的嘴，我闺女在我午休的时候偷偷的往我嘴里塞西瓜籽呢。   FML

Today, after a long （n. 会议；（法庭的）开庭；（议会等的）开会；学期；讲习会） of working through numbers, I told our accountant that he deserved a drink. He assumed I was asking him out for a drink and hastily told me that he needed to get home to his wife. FML

楼主，女，公司负责人，今天晚上我们公司的会计加班到很晚，我觉着应该鼓励一下，于是就说“走吧，我请你喝一杯”，结果你说你一脸惊恐的说自己已经结婚了是几个意思？FML

Today, I found out that my aunt has suggested to the rest of my family I'm a pervert, just because I agreed when my 4-year-old sister was scared to use a public bathroom by herself, and asked me to come with her. FML

囧了，我四岁的妹妹害怕去公共浴池，然后哀求我跟她一起去，于是为了安慰我妹妹我就假装答应了，结果刚好被我姑妈听见了，现在我们全家可能都认为我有点儿变态。FML

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

囧了，失业了6个月，终于找到一份工作，为了好好表现，我提前十分钟到了公司，嗯，问题是我的新领导告诉我我实际上提前来了一个星期零十分钟。。。HR把我的入职时间改了，但是没有告诉我。FML

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

囧了，最近一直在不停的练习书法，关键进步比较大。。。然后悲剧了，我们老师让我周六叫家长，因为我最近提交的作业看起来是好几种字体。。。。   FML

Today, I found out that the chefs at my work can't spell for shit. FML

想捉弄一下朋友，所以想送一个特异的蛋糕，但是我们这边的厨师跟我讲他不会拼写“shit（狗屎）”，兄弟们你们说我是不是被人给耍了？。FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

有些事情，散了就散了吧，刚才我男朋友因为我生气就跟我分手了，就算他不分，我也要分了，昨天晚上他把手机关机了，结果导致我预订的酒店没法入住（用他的手机预定的），问题是昨晚上我可是在国外，一个人孤零零的等到凌晨三点。   FML